Memorial Day Jam

Nothing else to say for Memorial Day...plenty tomorrow. Instead, enjoy this absolute jam:

Project Ho Part Deuce

If you haven't seen Part 1, I suggest watching that first because you won't understand this. This is just an update for you all. More to come later.

Project Ho!

Yup. I have the best project going. Its called Grow A Ho. Check it Out. And stay with me for 10 days. Please.

Just Some Casual Advice

As many of you know, I want my wake/funeral to be a frigan party. You know, one of those absolute ragers. Have kegs and stuff. I also want to have an open casket, with the bottom half open instead of the top. This way, you can only see my legs and feet, but not my face and stomach. I was always a different breed, so why not continue it with the afterlife. Also, those who know me do know the music I want played: Bone Thugs N Harmony - Crossroads, Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance, and Eric Prydz - Call on me. Now more of you know. Make it happen.

Now, have you ever drove by a wake procession line, blaring music? Not purposely or anything. You just happen to drive with the windows down, and music loud, and BAM line to get into a wake. Then you say to yourself, wow, I shouldn't be playing that song? Well ME TOO! So, I decided to help you guys out by making a list of songs that you SHOULD NEVER play when driving past people waiting to see someone who just died. Here ya go (In no Particular Order...accept number 1 should be number 1):

1. I wanna Dance with Somebody - Whitney Houston
2. Let the Bodies hit the floor - Drowning Pool
3. Happy Birthday - Everyone
4. 99 Problems - Jay Z
5. Friends In Low Places - Garth Brooks
6. Highway to Hell - ACDC
7. You Look Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
8. Hells Bells - ACDC
9. Celebration - Kool and the Gang
10. Just the two of us - Will Smith
11. Just Dance - Lady Gaga
12. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight - Journey
13. Together Forever - Rick Astley
14. Go To Sleep - Eminem
15. Escape - Enrique Inglesias
16. Buy You a Drink - T Pain
17. Kill You - Eminem
18. How to Save a life - The Fray
19. Say Goodbye - Eminem
20. The Final Chapter - Mike Macaluso
21. One More time - Daft Punk
22. Grind with Me - Pretty Ricky
23. Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money
24. Zombie Nation - Kernkraft 400
25. Better Off Alone - Alice DeeJay
26. Heaven is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle
27. I dont wanna miss a thing - Aerosmith
28. I wanna F*ck You - Akon
29. Open Your Eyes - Alter Bridge
30. When Can I see You again - Babyface
31. Say Goodbye to Hollywood - Billy Joel
32. One Call Away - Chingy & Janet Jackson
33. Tessie (because that song sucks and you just shouldn't play it)
34. Go to Sleep - Eminem
35. I smell Pussy - 50 Cent
36. Time of your life - Green day
37. My Body - Keith sweat
38. Just Like a Prayer - Madonna
39. Shake it Off - Mariah Carey
40. Walk Away - Paula Deanda
41. Start me Up - Rolling Stones
42. Dare you to move - switchfoot
43. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
44. Beautiful Day - U2
45. A Whole New World - Aladdin & Jasmine
46. Welcome to Paradise - Green Day
47. Get up and Get it - 3LW/Bone Thugs
48. Blame it on the Rain - Milli Vanilli
49. What's Left of Me - Nick Lachey
50. Last Resort - Papa Roach

My First Funeral Taping

Today was a sad day, as I found a Carpenter Ant passed away in my living room. So I, being the kind soul that I am, decided to have a funeral procession for him.

The Real Marvin Gaye lives in Philly?

So he didn't die? I mean...I have video evidence here. Wait is this Anthony Riley? Brett, if this is him, we found him on Friday afternoon before the Sox game. HAHAHA. By the way Dunkin Donuts in Philadelphia should all shut down. TERRIBLE. At least, for this video's purposes, we were unaware how bad they were when we headed there, and we got this video out of it.

Fresh Ground Pepper!

So, I haven't been blogging lately. I think you all know, I've been a bit busy over the last week or so. But, back from vacation, somehow alive, and ready to blog. (Thank God I can. I had a fear that it was bought out by a company over the vacation...).

Best weekend ever? I'm pretty sure that I say this a lot. Especially after coming back from vacation. But, "In the history of weekends," I proclaim this to be the best of all time. At least in my life. It was better than losing my virginity to my boss's daughter, it was better than my first homerun, better than wrestling my brother (literally going at it), better than just about everything outside of Ashley's meatloaf. With that said, I could blog about so much stuff. And I will. Lets begin to tell a story of Philly the way my eyes saw it.

We begin on a beautiful Friday morning, headed to the airport, I arrive at U.S. Airways set on a destination of awesomeness around roughly 8AM. First to arrive, I proceed through security and make my way to the bar. "I'll have 1 shot of Jager," I jokingly stated, and she says alright and goes to make it. "Anddddddddd a Screwdriver please." Yes. Great breakfast. Great way to kick off the trip. Minutes later, the rest of the group comes filling in. Brett and Kinky were dropped off at the wrong gate, forcing them to walk from B to C. Annnnd from there, it all began.

Somehow the whole group ends up sitting with eachother on the flight. Except me of course. I mean, why would my life start to be normal now? I get stuck next to a 15 year old spanish girl, who if I talk to, I'm arrested, and if I try to look out the window, I get arrested. Great. Face down. Ipod on. See you in an hour.

Rest of the highlights from the beginning of the day:

1. Bob getting tossed off the walking escalator by Brett
2. Brett riding around where the luggage comes out
3. Seeing the burning building that absolutely nobody cared about besides our cab
4. Bob's face when he found out there was a Dave and Buster's
5. Getting to the hotel to see Busa there. Missed you on the flight bro. Although, I missed everyone
6. Brett walking in the hotel room, Bevilacqua immediately spearing the voice out of him
7. Alison walking in our room a bloody mess fighting for the ipod dock
8. Going to get Iced Coffee (asked for a french vanilla ice with skim milk, sugar and received a hot chocolate with ice, cream, and a bucket of semen
9. Racing Busa down the endless train corridor
10. Getting 1 million tokens, using 10.

So now its game time. Just found out you can tailgate at the Park in Philly. Wow. what a concept. If this happened in Boston, nobody would get in. At least thats what they tell us. I just think its lame. This however, was awesome. So we walk into the 1 bar outside of the stadium for a few drinks, and wow, let me tell you. Every bartender in the place was a 32 on a scale of 1-10. I almost asked for a housing application to live in the bar. Anyway, we went to the drank, tailgated, took some fan photos (Click Here to see), went to the game, drank, started red sox chants, almost fought troy polamalu's twin brother (tatanka), drank, uhh you get it.

After the game, Jim, Brett and myself landed at McFadden's (Heaven) in Philly while everyone else went back to the hotel area. Well, I don't know what happened to them still to this point, BUT I do know what happened to us. At the bar we got:

1. Free shots dumped on our faces/in our mouths
2. Met some serious weirdos
3. Found a guy (Brig) who promised us he was naming his kid Boston, and if his wife didn't like it, she could go pound sand
4. Met a 50 year old Bruins Fan (woman) who was dying to get laid. Even if she had to F the Fresh Ground Pepper Guy
5. Speaking of him...if you don't know what I'm taking about yet, just go on facebook and look at my tagged videos. He was absolutely the Legend of Homosexuality who made all of us want a Pepper Bomb from this guy.
   
6. Met the one man band who played everything from Vanessa Williams to Coolio
7. Got 16 unnecessary Jager Bombs to end the night for 3 of us.

After the Bar, all I remember doing was dancing with my pants at my ankles, waiting for a cab in the middle of Philly. Successful day 1.

Oh wait...day 1 ends with Jim and Me calling everyone in our phone books. All we wanted to do was conversate. Thanks for everyone sending us to voicemail. That was awesome. Literally...thats all we really wanted to do was leave voicemails.

Day 2 starts with me trying to get on a bus, and flee the city on the way to the piercing place. After Brett made me sign my life away, well, I fulfilled the bet and got my bellybutton pierced. Bev got a LOST tattoo of the loterry numbers. He is insane, but I get it. Lost has a cult following. I found out this weekend. Moving on.

Immediately went to get our first cheese steaks of the trip. I'm going to buzz through this day with bullet points of greatness.

• High Octane drinks at 130 at Fat Tuesdays.
• Very sore stomach
• Foosball comebacks
• Purchasing Sneakers and Clothes
• Swimming for those who could go in a pool
• Hotel Bar for Me and Alison to get wrecked
• VIP Room at a bar to watch the C's game and Dice K's gem
• You will see video's of all this stuff later
• Turned a Bar into a Club
• Petersen found the next American Idol
• Extreme and I mean EXTREME nonsense in the food place after
• Guy definitely yanked money out of my hand
• Hand Scoops of Ketchup
• F Yourself Tony Luc
• Passing Away

Day 3 we woke up and went to the bar, and by bar I mean, probably the most insane place in the history of mankind, or at least the most insane bartender...Trev. Absolute LEGEND. Seriously, besides agree with the guys to feed me ghost chile and tell me its bbq sauce, this was the greatest.

We drank more beers and were just not getting charged for things. Free shots, drinks, and he even made us a feast. Literally. Fried chicken, potato salad, Pasta salad, corn on the cob, and so much more. Free. I'm not kidding. Plus Roy Halladay got smashed around by the Sox. Throw in Kinky and Krystle's disappearing act, sliding down the stairs face first, body shots, Kinky throwing salt shakers across the bar, Bob yelling, annnnnd that was pretty much our afternoon. Most went back to watch Lost and sleep. Me and Alison went to a bar called Rogue, and they had Jager everything. Lights, ceilings, banners...I felt like I was meant to be in Philadelphia.

Kinky and Krys met up later, and we went back to see Trev. Me and Alison immediately ruined Lost for those watching, ate orange peels, stale chips, and laughed very loudly as the show was on. As we left the bar to go back to the "apartment" Krystle and Alison went to a psychic...and me and Kinky got thrown out. We knew that was gonna happen because we are also psychic's.

• Never watch a movie with Alison.
  
• She will eventually talk herself to sleep
• I've never heard of anyone falling asleep mid sentence

The last day, we slept, packed, went to the hotel bar and then out to lunch. We headed to the airport. Everyone was spent at this point. I somehow spent 1,000.00. It was f-u-c-k-i-n-g awesome.

I didn't even tell you half the stuff. But thats okay. Somethings are better left unsaid. We are left with memories of the trip now, but as we all go back to our lives back home, I still pretend I'm in Philly. I'll be at McFadden's tonight. Until then, I'll be partying with Trev. I might even give Brig a call. Who knows. Maybe call Uno's in the Windy City? Might chug some mustard? Maybe, just maybe I'll give it to the air a little bit harder. Maybe I'll find a cake for Busa to take home again, as long as its for sale? And MAYBE I'll find someone to give me a double clam chowder sub and stuff it in my bag? All I know is, nobodies likes cumsies in their burgies. That's for sure. I'm ending this with a video of Brett in the airport. Goodbye Burning Building, Goodbye Sammy, Goodbye Fresh Ground Pepperazzi.

I have so much to share

I cannot begin right now...BUT, tomorrow afternoon when I get home...Serious Blogging. Get ready. Be Prepared.

Love with Mustard,
Matt

Ugh

Alright. I cannot watch this crap anymore. Anyone who has done this for fun is mental. So, 95% of women are mental I guess. I knew this anyway. But seriously, I'm going to hold everyone's hand, scream like a sissy, and maybe shed a tear or 9 thousand. At least my pain tolerance is a 0 out of 10. I mean, I cry when I get a mosquito bite, cut my nail too low, and sit down on wooden benches for more than 3 minutes.

What if he messes up like the guy below? I'm seriously debating the tattoo instead. My God I hate the Bruins right now.

Sorry for Slacking

I've been brutal the last 2 days. My bad. Haven't been feeling well, and taking a lot of dayquil/nyquil to get better in time for Philly. And it's working. At least for now. So let's blog. Shall we?

Here are some stories I've been reading about in the news today (the first sentence to each paragraph is a link):

Paul Pierce's Twitter has been Hacked. Too bad because I was excited about what he was tweeting. He got me to Retweet him, and a ton of others were retweeting his stuff. Looks like we got fooled. Time for the Truth to step up his game and have better tweets so we can all be as excited for those instead of his regular, "Game On is giving away 2 tickets and that's the Truth" tweets that we are used to.

Cheese Sandwiches Only? What are these students upset about? Cheese sandwiches are delicious. In fact, my favorite snack that I recommend is a cheese sandwich, with ketchup. Throw it in the microwave for 30 seconds...absolute heaven. I promise you won't regret it.

Prom Dress made of Gum Wrappers! Okay seriously. Cue the music. I'm all set with ever going to Iowa. This story is just flat out weird. I mean, gum wrappers? Do you know how easy it is to rip apart a gum wrapper. Good for the dude going with her. He is definitely getting laid. But still, I don't know about the gum wrapper dress. Now caution tape....THAT would be a dress!

Hows Ya Weekend?

Good Afternoon World. The weekend, I went missing but I got some big things to talk about. So lets do it:

• The Bruins lost. Yes, I was avoiding this topic, and I will continue to avoid it. BUT I will write this. I made a bet. I lost the bet. It's time to shine. I will come back with either a tattoo or a piercing after next weekend. That's all I am saying about the Bruins.
  

• Saturday was a GREAT day. Started off with a surprise party/bbq at Mama P's for Lynnie's 30th. Good times. Good food. Good beer. Good watermelon slush with Vodka. No complaints at all. Then my brother decided to talk trash about how he can still beat me in basketball. Wasn't even close. I embaressed the poor guy in front of his family, friends, andddd, I was a few more beers deep too. Which for him...I know he didn't get much sleep.
  
  The day continued as we hit up Brett and Ashley's bbq. I get a text saying, "Nobody is here" and I walk in to about 30 people. I can see how that equals nobody. Now, its a good time to say that Kinky has been very good over the last few days, which makes honoring the bet that much better. Seeing him made my ass tingle thinking about that tattoo, and made my bellybutton wink at dudes thinking about that getting pierced.
  
  As I walk in, I receive a Penne Hotdog. Yes, a Penne Hotdog. It's exactly what it sounds like. Throw some Penne on top of a hotdog and eat it. F'n amazing. Just saying. I walk outside with Bevilacqua, and as he sits down on the beach chair, the legs collapsed because they were not set right, and down Bev went and all over him went his wine. After rinsing whine off his ballbag, he just had to sit there covered for the rest of the day.
  
  As for the rest of the day, well, one massive bottle of Jager was taken down, a call to JShaff in Denver (we miss/love you), Icing Brett (buying a Smirnoff Ice and proposing it to them - making them have to chug it), Bev, eating an ENTIRE LIME - skin and all, a drunken half face sketch of me (could not sit still for 3 seconds and just wanted to rap with Brett and Bev) created by Ashley, and Murking Mosquitoes part II. Loved it. This time, Ashley joined in on the fun. And it was all business. I think as soon as this blog is over, I'm going to change my interests on facebook to murking mosquitoes.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Sunday was a double header softball day for Good Wood. In Game 1, we were playing the team who led the league in runs scored. Tied at 11 in the 5th, we ended up losing 23-11 in 6. AND we did not make 1 error in that inning. They were good.
  
  Game 2 was against the Greyhounds. This was a 23-8 victory. Muuuuuuuuuuuch better. And my first homerun of the season, which I led off the game with, Ricky Henderson style. Home Runs were also hit by Steen, Rogers and Dana. It's also good to note that Christian pitched both games of the double header, after drinking about 4 bottles of whiskey, being completely hammered, dropping a combined 31 balls thrown back to him, and....the best of all....PITCHED/HIT/RAN/EVERYTHING in TIMS. Yes. TIMS. After the game, the gatorade cooler full of ice water was dumped on him(by Mark and Keith), causing him to be mad for 41 seconds, and an AWESOME post game video later that night. Enjoy:
  
  

Big Weekend Continues

Not much time to get at this during the weekend but promising a BIG day tomorrow. Murking Mosquitoes Part II??? Check. Penne Hotdogs??? Fact. Good Wood updates. Celts-Magic Talk. And anything random that comes to mind. Get big.

Jam of the day: Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance

Uh Oh LeBronio's

You see, I'm not sure what makes me happier: The fact that LeBron is knocked out of the playoffs (again) proving how overrated he truly is or the fact that people in New York think they absolutely run the entire universe. Headlines of a NY Paper today say: "Bring the King." I mean, honestly, I hope he goes there. I really do. There is nothing like rooting against a New York team that thinks they are the only team in the league. LeBron going to the Knicks will bring back that rival for the Celts.

Last night, at the Greatest Bar, TV camera's for ESPN were glaring down from the 2nd floor and showed Celtics fans going ape shit the whole game. ESPNnews had a split screen of the Cavs fans and Celtics fans, during the game. Pretty good idea seeing it was LeBrons last game as a Cav and we all got to see them cry on National TV. It was also a good idea because people were finding me on Sportscenter going absolutely wild, along with the rest of the bar.

I've never been happier for one of the teams I root for to get the Conference Finals in my life. Seriously. I dislike LeBron that much. His triple double might have been the worst of all time. He again did not pick up his team. He hit 2 big 3's in the 4th cutting the lead to 4, and then he disappeared again. At least this time, he shook hands with one player after the game, before running off crying into the locker room.

I can also honestly say that I haven't been happier about a Conference Final birth....until tonight. If the Bruins get there (for the love of God do not blow this series), I will not have to get my belly button pierced or a small tattoo, depending on how the voting turns out. Right now we are in a sloberknocker. Polls close at 6 PM tonight.

LETS GO BRU-INS (Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap). The Garden better be F'n ROCKING tonight. They need it, along with David Krejci, but that isn't happening. So for one game B's, stand up and play some hockey tonight. Be physical, and please for the love of God, SHOOT THE DAMN PUCK. No dancing around. All business tonight.

Jam of the Day 5.13.10

This song makes me want to get up and dance. For real. Go big or go home.

Soul Decision - Faded

Now, off to the Greatest Bar to watch LeBron's season end (please).

The Bet. Flyers vs Bruins - Game 7 -- It's On.

Oh COME ON

So the Bruins are playing midseason hockey at playoff time. The problem? They STUNK and couldn't score during that time. It's happening again. BUT, I refuse to believe they let all of Boston down and lose Friday Night in game 7. You see, as much as I'd love for them to get this over with and win the series, they are at least willing to give us all heart attacks and let us watch one more game.

There is no way they lose. They can't. Montreal is playing in the Eastern Conference Semi's. They cannot pass this chance up. They just cannot do it. It wouldn't be right. It's set up for them to play.

Blake Wheeler is the worst player in the NHL. I'm convinced. It's pretty tough to make Dennis Wideman look like an all star, but Wheeler accomplishes it.

I would rather have this thing, then ever see Wheeler on the ice for the Bruins.

Speaking of this thing...what is it. Clearly a dude based off the chest, but WHERE IS YOUR PICKLE, Bro? Is this the first ever "I have absolutely no genitalia" person of all time? Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

If he is tucking, is this the greatest tuck job of all time?

Where do I get one of the outfits? Ya know...just to have in case I want to go food shopping in different attire? How fast do you think I would get kicked out of Stop and Shop with that on? I bet Purity Supreme would have let me shop in that gear. Poor Purity Supreme.

Gotta love the Yellow glasses too, with no lenses. This thing is seriously a freak. We need to have the History Channel do a piece on this. I mean, seriously whaaaaat is going on.

Last part about this: White sox and black shoes? Really bro? Really? Everyone knows you CANNOT do that. Especially with heels. Every guy knows when they throw on heels they cannot wear socks, nevermind white sox.

Jam of the Day 5.12.10

Jam of the Day is going to be a New Segment of this blog. I put the idea out there on my Twitter today and got some good response. So Here. Goes. Nothing.

How classic is this video? Gotta love the 90's. I laughed for about 10 minutes at the flying guitars. And who the hell is the person on the horse? Where are they going? Classic. Good stuff.

London Beat - I've Been Thinking About You:

Update: WoWW...Great 24 hours

So after the Celts pummel the Cavs last night, I go on Twitter to find JWoWW's BF tweeting under her name, saying the following:

"Just to set the record straight Jenni and I are NOT engaged, she is still filming season 2 of "Jersey Shore" and will be back soon!!"

So you're saying there's a chance!!! Tommy, you should wife it up bro. I'm going to sneak in there, juice up, and steal your girl.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get an Iced Coffee before the Sox game at 1.

It's Whatever Wednesday

Good start to the morning. Just Dance:

Why LeBron Will Never EVER be Kobe...or better

I have this debate constantly with friends, family, priests, monks, strippers, and the guy who sells me Green Apple Skoal at Mobile. LeBron James is the most overrated player sports has ever seen. I mean that.

Sure, he's a great player, but give me a break. People give this guy a nickname of "King James" before the fool even enters the NBA. And what does that get you? Oh good a nickname. Awesome. Try getting a ring first, idiot. Ya see, the guy is athletically gifted to the point where if he wrestled, Jim Ross would be drooling all over himself about what a physical specimen he is. And he would be correct, because he is. But...Imagine Kobe with his size. How about Jordan?

The guy is 6'8 260. That's the same size as Karl Malone, only he is built like a house. All he does is jump in the air, fly through the sky, and dunk. His outside shot is still average, although it has gotten world's better then when he first entered the league. He still cannot hit a free throw with the game on the line, is a help defender at best (if you think hes a lock down defender, please don't even talk to me), and he calls himself by the wrong initials. LBJ. You are an idiot, Lebron. You're middle name doesn't begin with a B. Its Raymone. So call yourself LRJ. Stop trying to be Little Baby Jesus. You are more like Lionel Richie, Jackass.

Honestly, I hate the guy. Its evident. But I hate him for his antics. Cockiness is one thing, but this guy is a dbag. Flat out, just a dbag. Here's a quote from after the game tonight: "When you have three bad games in a seven-year career, it's easy to point them out."

Really? 3 bad games? You WOULD say that LeBron. You really would.

Bottom line is: Kobe is better than LeBron for one simple reason. No, not because of the rings, because I'm pretty sure Dan Marino is better than Trent Dilfer, and Ken Griffey Jr is better than Eric Hinske. Because Kobe Bryant never has games like this when it matters. Both have had great games, both have had bad games, but when push comes to shove and the game is on the line, Kobe will take over for the Lakers, and win it. That's what he does. He makes tough shot, after tough shot. Game winner after game winner. He doesn't complain about an injured elbow, and then try to prove X-Rays wrong by having 27 MRI's.

Just shutup and win. If you are THAT good, you should win. Bottom line. Until you start taking over games like tonight or any other close game, you will never, ever even come close to Kobe in my mind. Sorry pal. Won't happen.

Enjoy fishing this spring and watching the NBA Finals on your HD TV, while deciding if you should go to South Beach, or stay in Cleveland.

If you aren't Erect, you don't have a Penis. Feed me Marshmellows.

J-Woww -- You Have TOO Much Left To See

REALLY? Am I reading this correctly? Click the text below:

JWoww's Making a Huge Mistake Because She doesn't know me yet.

NOT COOL. The one I was holding out for is now engaged? This is sickening. I eat ham late night too. Why is she marrying this guy?

First the Bruins, now this all within 24 hours? What is next? Miley Cyrus is still under 18, so I can't make any comments about her. What about Britney. I was willing to marry her when she was bald because I knew she needed help. Now shes got her act together. I COULD HAVE BEEN J-Woww's K-Fed. That could have been me. I am not happy right now. In fact, I'm genuinely upset. Someone wake me up when Kim Kardashian's ass arrives in Massachusetts. Yes, even if the rest of her is in Connecticut.

By the way, has anyone else noticed that Abraham Lincoln is looking towards the right and every other president looks left on U.S. coins? I noticed today at a red light.

Laser Show - Relax

Can somebody tell me who is better than Pedroia? I mean honestly. This guy is the cockiest motherf'er on the planet. Love it. And we have the same haircut. Laser Show. Relax.

[ Download ]

Thoughts

So I almost came home last night and vented on this about how BAD the Bruins played. Put it this way, I've seen some pretty bad performances live. Really. But this was by far, and I mean, by FAR the worst. I was so pumped about going to game 5 to watch them close it out against Philly, after they unveil the new Bobby Orr statue right outside the Garden...and then, THAT. Terrible.

Talk about flat. Is David Krecji the only guy that can get us near the net? What is up with Lucic? Start playing hockey, please. Too much talent on the ice to get shutdown by the stiff goalies the Flyers have.

They better pick it up in game 6. I'm not going to lie, but I'm starting to worry about the series. Philly has all the momentum. They need to switch things up, and do it fast because Wednesday is coming soon. And I probably have about 13 run on sentences in this, and I do not care. I'm not looking it over either. I'm just posting.

Random Thoughts

• Wrestling is great. I love calling people to get the update on whats going on and finding out that Meatloaf is getting RKO'd. I mean...Stories are great. Without them, I would have came home last night, went to Wendy's, ate 1,000 chicken nuggets, and thought about why I wasted my time going to that debacle of a game. But instead, I didn't go to Wendy's, I got a water, sat down, watched story time, and proceeded to smile all night as Flava Flavvvvvv was hosting, and Randy Orton took care of business. By the way, I need to get jacked so I can get his tattoos. His sleeves are ridiculously sick.

• Who wants to go to the Maury Povich Show with me? This is seriously QUALITY television. And more impressive...Jim Sokoloff is STILL doing commercials, trying to get people to hire him as their lawyer. Legend. Can someone please get him? That would be high comedy.
  

• Why is abbreviation such a long word?

• Why do I continue to blog before getting ice coffees? The whole time I want to drink it while doing this.
  

• The answer to the "What color does a smurf turn if you choke it?" question is obviously purple.
  

• I want to see Manny Pacquio fight Floyd Mayweather, and then retire boxing.
  

• I have the original recipe for EctoCooler and I'm making GALLONS of it, and will no longer drink water once I accomplish this.
  

Rondo Serves Lebron his Douching Kit

Mama P's Day

I find myself to be one of the most fortunate people in the world. Truly. Growing up without a father in my life was not an easy thing for me. Most people that know me, understand that I am pretty quiet about it on all fronts. But today, I wanted to thank a person who has never turned their back on me. Despite all the wild and crazy things I have done in my life, she has always had my back. And I know she always will.

My mom never had it easy. When I was 2 my dad had left her, my brother, and I. I can only imagine how it was for her trying to work a full time job, pay all the bills, and raise two kids; especially when one of the kids is me.

Somehow she accomplished it. And to me, she made it seem like growing up with just one parent was the normal way. I'm pretty sure she had only missed a handful of my baseball games growing up, despite my brother having his own, and other things going on. I don't remember her not being around for a big event, ever. Holidays were amazing. So many gifts under the tree, so much food on the table, and looking back, I have no idea how she pulled it all off. Seriously. I know she worked her ass off; sometimes working two jobs to survive, and all of that while raising two kids, seeing everything they did, and maintaining a somewhat normal life.

For all the stuff I have done, and I tell you there has been a lot, you still put up with me. Maybe you would chase me around the house, or scream your head off like a lunatic at me, but that's you. I wouldn't want you to change that. Ever (well its a lot easier to say now that I don't live with you, but ya know..). To all the little things I did, such as my first word being "F*ck", coming home hammered and getting in bed with you and Ed, or even totaling your car in a cemetery seconds after getting my permit, you would always laugh at the situation. I mean...called me a moron and some other names, but you laughed too.

Well today is Mother's Day. To most, it's a day for people to go enjoy some time with their mothers, grandmothers, aunts and whatever other type of mother's there are out there. But not for me. To me, this day is about the day I can honestly give my mom a hug and a kiss, tell her I love her, and truly understand how unbelievable this woman is.

Yeah mom, sometimes you get on my nerves. A lot of the time we argue over stupid things. But when push comes to shove, you fight with the people closest to you, and to me, there is not a better human being on the planet. So here's to you, mom. The one person who has NEVER turned their back on me and walked out of my life. Through all the fights, tough times, and everything else, nobody could ever come close to doing a fraction of what you have done for me. And also, continue to do.

I'll be over with my laundry shortly so you can do it. Also, I can't wait to eat your Italian cooking today. Hey, it is what it is, right? Haha, I love you with all my heart. Don't ever, ever forget that. You're truly one of a kind. Here's to our song since I was about 5.

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Congrats to PWillis - A Niner through 2016

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Philly in 2 Weeks...Lets get Tasered.

So this meatball sub runs on the field the other night at the Phillies game, gets tasered, and ESPN makes a big story out of it. So obviously, the next night, some other kid is going to do it, because: why not? ESPN might show you getting tasered, and then its funny, and all that. WELL...what exactly would they do if 9 of us run on the field at the end of the Sox-Phillies game next week? Would they use real guns? Would it even affect some of the people going on this trip? I'm pretty sure Bevilacqua and Kinky are untaserable. I'm pretty sure me and Petersen would die if we got tasered. I'm pretty sure Busa would run as long as he possibly could, and by run as long as he possibly could, I mean shake Ryan Howard's hand.

I don't know. They wouldn't be able to stop all of us. Frazier could use some Baby Powder on the security if they mess with us too. All in all, I think its a great idea...besides the after effects of it. That would stink. But we could run the bob and weave through the outfield. I just have a feeling that Jason Werth would come out and spear one of us. Most likely me. Breaking 3 of my ribs and stuff.

So maybe we shouldn't do it. And I know we won't. Moral of the story: The more ESPN shows people running on the field, the more people are going to want to do it. So...don't show it.

Over.

Cinco De NOMAHHHHHHHHHHH

Gooooooooood Morning Massachusetts, (and a few readers in Denver),

How you like them apples white people/Keith? Yup. I left the Sox game pretty much after the Nomahhhh ceremonies were over because nothing else mattered and I wanted to watch the Bruins game. So, we did that. Still worth the money for the ticket.

Here is the video of Nomar Night.

PS....He's the F'n man and should have had his number retired by the Sox. It is a joke that they ever give 5 out. Ever. I'd gel his hair....and love it. No homo. F U Mia Ham. I'm better looking, even tho your chest is more defined. My legs are better.

PPS...Sorry that I shake when I drink. Its awful. I cant even watch this right now bc I want to throw up. Watching this caused a Wendy's run. I ordered 200 nuggets. They said no. I got 15. They were good.

Goodnight.

Another Video for You

Now earlier, I claimed that Linda used to give me the sex eye...well, I have video proof. This is why I needed a blog. Just make sure you watch til the end. I have countless numbers of videos, and I can honestly say I have something on everyone in my life that will either prove a ridiculous claim of mine or show you how great I am. Either way, its a treat for the rest of us. This is pre-Obama. Just a typical conversation from Linda and Lauren about "Hucklebee" running for President.

A Happy Bday Throwback

This video is from a few years ago, and we decided to throw a Linda's trying to get Pregnant party at my moms. I mean, why wouldn't you send off someone who cant drink for a minimum of 9 months with a party? Not sure what exactly this turned into besides complete and utter mayhem. And this video ends with me eating Grasso's dog food. Good times.

Cinco De 30th b-day

As I said in my brother's wedding speech, the first time I saw Linda was during warm ups of my city league basketball game. Here I am, in the middle of layup lines, when in walks my brother and this new chick on his arm. "Wonder which one it is this week," I said to myself. Well, it turned out to be his now wife, and baby's mama.

That was about 12 years ago, so I've known you for nearly 46% of your life. You've seen me at my finest; puberty stages, getting my permit and then immediately driving my moms car into a gravestone at the cemetery about 14 minutes later, and running naked around the house (literally) if my sister brought home a guy that I wasn't a fan of, hoping that he would never return. Yup, my sister-in-law has most likely seen my penis roughly 32 times. Welcome to my life.

Well today, I have decided to wish you a happy birthday in a unique way. I'll blog about you. I mean, afterall, it is your 30th. Lets go back in time, shall we? We shall. Shalom.

I remember how much my mom hated you when you first started dating my brother. I mean, throwing a massive party, getting in trouble with the cops. My brother didn't even know what a cop was. That was cute.

Remember the time that you walked in the house with giant sunglasses on because your eyes were practically swollen shut from some lotion you used? That was hysterical. Your face was purple and looked like a grape. HAHA, I still remember nearly choking on my corn pops. I had to have my pops. You had to have your tan. Gracious.

How about the time we won free Woo-Woo's the SECOND we got on a cruise a few years back? The contest was, who could be the loudest human being during a bartender skill showdown. Well I won the first, naturally. And then Linda entered and won herself, naturally. We can yell, scream and do our thing huh.

The countless ridiculous things you have come up with over the years have ultimately been my favorite. Watching College Gameday with Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso as they do their picks on who will win the game, and the question was "who has a better chance to lose today, USC or Ohio State?" Both said, "Neither", so the ticker down bottom said Kirk > Neither Lee> Neither. Linda looks straight at my brother and says, "wait they are brothers?" WHAT? And the explanation tops it off: "It says Kirk and Lee Neither." UNBELIEVABLE. Too good in fact. And that's just one of a million.

But then again, that's the difference between you and everyone else. You are just one of a million. My brother couldn't have picked me a better sister, wife for him, and mother for his children. You have done more for me than anyone outside of my mom and brother over the years and I will never forget that. You have been the one I go to talk to for advice/therapy sessions, the one that always has my back and takes my side, and can always depend on for a good time when you are around. You are the first to ask if I need anything and to tell me to shutup when I'm wrong. And from day 1, you have always given me the sex eye, so I know you think I'm more attractive then Mike. Kidding. Kind of.

I love you Lynn. Happy Birthday. Though you are 30 now, you are no longer just a MILF, but now you are a COUGAR as well. Congratulations. I hope you have a good one. I love you!

Sports, Peabody, Murking, and Stories.

Before this blog gets ridiculous, I need to say something serious. If you have never tasted Ashley McKinney's Meatloaf...well you have not eaten Ashley's meatloaf. But seriously, its unreal and you are missing out. She also made the mistake of telling me to "come over and eat anytime" because she always cooks. Not sure she realizes that I rotate house to house looking for food and haven't gone food shopping in about 5 months. :) Alright. Lastly, it gave me something else to blog about. I love that. And lucky for Brett...he will be eating corn every night from now until August 3rd or so. There was barely enough.

• So as most of you should do, we elected to watch the Bruins game instead of watching Lebron James and Side Show Bob fall over into the crowd when someone grazes by them. And it was worth it. How great have the Bruins games been? I mean, really. They have to give us a heart attack in EVERY SINGLE GAME. I like it afterwards because they tend to win these games, but during, my palms get sweaty, I start to shake my like Michael J. Fox, and you would flat out kill me by putting a banana in front of me at that point. Good to see the Return of Milan last night. I was missing yelling LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH at the top of my lungs and tweeting about it constantly. Hopefully this turns him around. Good win, skaters.

• Oh, and we did flick over to the Celts and Sox. Good to see the Celts didn't blow another 78 point 3rd quarter lead. Welcome to existence, Rasheed Wallace. I'm not sure if its 2004, but did the Red Sox score 17 runs? Was Manny in the lineup? Did I miss something? Or is the pitching staff for Anaheim currently all Double A pitchers? I cannot figure this Red Sox team out anymore, so I won't even try.

• Murking Mosquitoes (is spell check right? really? toes at the end of mosquitos? <---That is giving me the red squiggly line and telling me to throw an e at the end. I guess like potatoes).Yes. That's right folks. Murking Mosquitoes took place last night at Brett's place. He was on the back deck smoking a cigarette and opened the sliding door for about 1.4 seconds when A MILLION of these things flew in. Shario, being the brains behind all ideas (owner of Boston Tents -- need a tent?? -- let him know, quick.) tells Brett to vacuum them up. Genius idea. It worked. Well, until Brett turned the vacuum off and they all wanted to fly back on the ceiling, causing Brett to drop the "plug it back in, so I can murk these mosquitoes." And he did just that. Murked ALL of them. Except one. But i took care of him by squishing him into my gum. Death by gum, and murked. Not a good night for mosquitoes in Peabody.

Legend B-Pete Murking Mosquitoes

• Dez Bryant's mom. Really? Arrested for selling crack like 15 times. I can say this. I was on Dez's side. In fact, I have no idea how he stayed calm when the Dolphins were asking him if his mother was a prostitute. Well, after finding out the question was asked because he said his dad was a "pimp" -- its not so out of the ordinary, would you say? Still over the line? I guess. Well, how many times do you have to get a felony on your record for selling crack before this becomes a bad question? I don't know. Just saying. Crack, father is a pimp, I'm not thinking its so out of line anymore. I still wouldn't have the balls to ask it, nor would I be okay with someone asking me, but at least I see where the question is coming from now.

• My Stories. I got home last night, and threw on Raw. Only had 5 minutes left, but it was good enough to see my boy Randy Orton have the Venom run through his veins as he RKO'd guest host, Wayne Brady and then gave one to Edge. Life is good. I'll watch the rest today.

• Dennis Wideman still sucks.
  

• Rob Shario now LOVES Tuesdays after claiming last night that it was the worst day of the week.
  

• Techno Tuesday is here. Beat of the day: Exploration of Space by Cosmic Gate (#38 on the playlist at the bottom of the blog).

• Alejandro Alejandro...F Fernandoooooo. Going to get an Iced Coffee in Maine. See Ya later Kids/Mom.
  

Come Onnn MANNNNNNNNNNNN

Opening Day for Good Wood didn't turn out exactly how we planned, BUT, the after party was fantastic. Some of the squad went back to Keith's for some food and Jager Bombs. Well, we ordered from Papa Gino's and Keith definitely ordered a few boxes of wings. I've never seen Christian so happy in my life. So Mark and I knew it was time to do some damage. Yup. Hide the wings on him. For 20 minutes he was borderline suicidal, and then he finally found the wings. This video is from the around minutes 17-20 into the hiding. Enjoy.

Get Ready

I am promising big things for Techno Tuesday; So get ready. Its about to get real in here. Terms and Conditions may be sent to me again.

With that said, how about those MotherF@#!$!@$ing Bruins?? Yessir 2-0. Sorry Kinky.

I'll be writing, editing, and singing shortly.

Kentucky Derby, Bruins and Celtics

Real Quick because I don't have a lot of time, here are my predictions for today.

• Bruins win, Tuukka Time is awesome, and my brother gets yelled at at least 7 times for waking up Gianna during the game.
  
• Lebron's elbow is fine because he is a complete jackass, but Tony Allen puts him in the cross face chicken wing and the Celts hold off the Cavs.
• Noble's Promise (17-1 current odds) wins the Kentucky Derby
• I end the night very drunk
• Good Wood gets their first win of the young softball season tomorrow (even tho thats a prediction that is not for today, I'm still putting it here because its my blog)
• Tim ends up looking like this tonight: